OK, I really put this one off...............

I swear this will be the last sad & just awful post i leave here! I want my blog to be a happy place to come to! I REALLY do.............so why did I wait so long to post.....because on April 8th at 1:30 am, I lost my best Friend & constant companion that saved my life when I had my heart attack.........my Pug, Snubs. Yes, I didn't see it coming,or I didn't want to see it coming, there was so many signs I missed & just the fact that I had totally forgot about the stupid "curse" I thought of when I lost Baby Cat! I knew that when he left me for Heaven that each year from then on, I would lose one of my precious pets! NEVER did I think i would lose my Snubs, my life, I scheduled every day around what she wanted......I was on the computer when she took her morning nap, I ate lunch with her & got back on the computer when she took her afternoon nap. We ate dinner together,we went outside together, we went to bed together & I loved her more than I can tell anybody. This hurts so badly, still, I can't look at a Pug. I will never love another Pug like I loved her. WHY did God do this to me? I stopped asking, I can't bring her back, I have to let my anger go. Well, let me start at the beginning..............I was on Twitter one day & saw that they were having a "paw party" to raise money for an Anima Rescue. If you donated a dollar you could "pimp" your pets picture for St. Pats Day.....how cool! SO, I went into the site & donated $5.00,old habits die hard for old Bartenders, we just can't do a dollar! LOL I was lucky to have $5.00 in my account...........so as I did this, I added a comment that maybe it will bring the help I need for my Pug. This wonderful lady, Caroline Golon, who heads up the fund raiser, actually took the time to write to me & ask what my Pug needed! She was an angel sent from God! She helped me to call all the Vets in my area & ask if they'd just LOOK at my pug & Caroline had offered to do a fund raiser for my Snubs if I could find a Vet to agree! I called EVERYwhere, we must all remember we're in FL., the home of the worst of everything important.....NO Vet's office would help me! NONE! Finally Caroline asked for some numbers & SHE called for me. She found a Vet who would look at her & Caroline paid for the first visit! In the meantime my Snubs woke up & could not breath to eat & Phil & I took her to the ER Vet who had spoke to Caroline. Oh they were fine until they heard about my inability to pay! They handed me my very sedated Pug & told me to give it a few days & she'll be fine! She'll be FINE, those words rng in my head everyday! Oh they wanted to keep her to "observe her" but that was ONLY ONE Thousand dollars for the DAY! SO off I went thinking my Pug would "be fine". The next day she wasn't coming out of it very well & I called to inquire as to what to do. Once again I was told to give it time!! They were looking at my chart & knew I had no money! Then later that night, I had set Snubs up with help in breathing & layed down. Thank the Lord I told her how much I loved her..............I wasn't woke up by her cry & I picked her up to move herback onto her bed & she looked at me & took her last breath............I can't do this, I can't think about this......WHY did those people tell me she'd be fine?! WHY did she die!? WHY did God take her from me?! WHY, WHY, why? I had to close her little eyes! I breathed into her little mouth just trying anything..........anything to bring her back to me! What am I going to do without her!? I wrote to Caroline at 2:30 after calling Bobby & Mom & Dad.I was so upset, I didn't realize the time. My dear,dear friend, Nancy sent me a book about Saying Good bye with Dignity.........it was the best thing I could read.....over & over.......I was mad at everyone......everyone...until I realized I was most angry with ME! IF I had money this would NOT have happened! IF I was a responsible pet owner......I hate that word.........Mother to Her...........my wonderful Phil, took her to the Vet at 2:30 & I kissed my Pug good bye for the last time. He also paid for her to be privately cremated at Peggy Adams Humane Society...........they saved her life when she was 2 & they ended up with her at the end. She was returned to me in a beautiful box........a BOX, MY PUG is in a BOX.............it hasn't been any comfort to me.....yet........I hope it is someday. I wanted to get a necklace & have a little of her ashes in it,but I just can't open the sealed box.......I just can't...............OK, that's all I have to say about that.......oh great, now I sound like Forrest Gump! It's me & Sam Bone,the Ham Bone Cat now.........never did I think it would me her & me. My little peanut cat that came from Randy Walkers Nursery! The pickiest eater in the world! I spent more feeding her & My Ducks then I did when I had all four of my precious pets! Oh my Ducks.............now that will be a happy post to start a new.......and I will start a new! I see all these blogs with reviews & give aways & recipes......I can do that, yes I can.............well I have recipes & I surely have a great garden & my Ducks, oh my Ducks.............yes, tomorrow will be the Meema says so happy blog...........